Torn

I am so sick and tired of my self destructive nature! At the end of a long day I found it very hard to say and do the right things. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up so much. It was a really long day. I didn't get much sleep. I worked much earlier than I usually do. I had a test on the first day of class. I miss Eleanor. I don't feel so great. All things considered I'm not doing half bad. But half bad is not really gonna cut it. I let myself be half bad for awhile and then eventually I'm gonna be really bad. Lord, please help me to honor you with my thoughts, words and actions.

This is why I look forward so much to Bible study on Wednesday nights. Those of you who don't go are missing out. I will miss it when AWANAs starts. The last few nights I have been trying to read Matthew because our Sunday School lessons are based on it. But I am having a hard time getting a sense for what the overall purpose of the book is. It seems like so many stories, quickly glazed over. So little is said about each event. The thing that stuck out to me a few nights ago was in chapter 2 verse 18, the weeping over the children slain by the Herod. I thought about the suffering many of the families endure at CHOC. I thought to myself, it must grieve God to see this sort of thing happening to His people. When things like this happen people often blame God. It is hard in times of loss to understand His purpose. But ultimately everything that occured up to the cross happened so that He could die for us. Our suffering is not just something God sits by and laughs at. It's all part of the plan He has for our lives. Honestly, I'd endure all the pain I've experienced over again to have the peace I have.

I have many more questions when reading Matthew than I did reading Genesis last month. Like, why was it necessary that Jesus be tempted by Satan. It says in 4:1 Jesus was lead up by the Spirit into the wilderness TO BE tempted by the devil. I've often thought, was Jesus really tempted to bow to Satan? Anyhow, I find it fascinating.

I am also seeing how amazing it is that Jesus fulfilled so many prophecies. I really love it too in 4:18-20 how Simon and Andrew just drop their nets and follow Jesus. As always I guess you could say I wish that all the stories in the Bible had been less condensed. I want to know more!

Well, I am quite tired, and probably making little sense. I need to get some sleep so I can really enjoy Eleanor's Kindergarten orientation tomorrow. Thanks all of you who are praying for me this week. I can feel your prayers, and your comments, texts and emails have brought me a great deal of joy and comfort. Have a blessed week.